Abuse and their responses

Assault is defined as making a singular physical attack (yes, fondling counts). Something important to recognize is that threats or the use of another object are considered to be indirect assault. Abuse is to treat a person with repeated  cruelty or violence. Neglect is the most common abuse there is. Each one of these can cause trauma. Don’t let anyone devalue your experience.

I was sitting with my husband and he put on a show that he wanted me to watch. I looked up here and there and realized it was a show on pranks. After some back-and-forth conversation it became very clear to me that not everyone knows that pranks are a form of abuse. Below I linked an article on why pranks are abusive. It talks about how they are emotionally manipulative and embarrassing. They feign innocence and ignorance when in reality the goal is to make someone look or feel bad. Incorrectly done pranks must be stopped and should not be accepted in our society as “games.” They are not funny and can cause trauma, distress, and gaslight others into feeling like they did something wrong.

Many people know that fireworks tend to set off veterans with PTSD, but it can also set off many other people with different types of PTSD and tics as well. As we all know, I have Tourette’s, depression, and PTSD; this combination can be dangerous when it comes to holidays that express themselves with explosives. Although fireworks may be pretty, they are also incredibly loud. Tics are triggered by loud, repetitive sounds. PTSD is triggered by something from your past, which for many people can include gunshot sounds. Now combine these two together and you find yourself convulsing, scared, crying, and maybe even having flashbacks. Even on medication, these combination of events that occur all night long can lead to depression and harmful thoughts. 

Additionally, for most people, the holidays are beautiful, exciting, and filled with laughter and love. For those of us who grew up with a controlling or abusive parent, the holidays are filled with an added layer of stress. Picture this: You wake up Christmas morning, to the beautiful quite and the hope that this time will be different. You sit down at your peeling couch, staring at the tree, hoping for them to wake up soon. You sit there for hours, sometimes they show, hours later, and sometimes they never do. If they do show, they sit you down to a gift or two, most labeled “from Santa.” You know it was from them though, Santa was a thing of the past. You open the gift, and furrow your brow in confusion, as you stare at something that you have never showed an interest in, and it is always expensive. But you know, they cannot see your disappointment, because if they do, they will blow up and throw a fit. So you give them your best fake smile, hoping to get through the day without a single hitch. Yet, something later on upsets them, something always does. You find yourself sitting in a corner, huddled with your gifts, as they tell you how expensive you are, how you’re never grateful, or how the world is against them. Every year is the same…

I grew up with many people in my life who would react this way, not only in holidays, but in birthdays and even formal events. Yet, for some reason, the holidays were always the worst of them all. Now that I am married, I am working on being more positive around this time, yet something still looms over me, making me feel weary. If you feel this way, know that it is not your fault and it will get better once you are in a different environment.

We all know the five stages of grief: denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance. I am going to break them down in a different light, through the lens of abuse. The only difference is that there is a sixth stage, healing.

Denial: When we are in an abusive situation, we are usually in denial about it. I will use the example of a battered woman. She will argue, no matter the situation, that he never meant to hit her or that it was her fault. She will explain away every fault of her partner until there is no question about her safety.

Anger: Once she realizes the situation is never going to change, she usually gets angry. As most of us do, she will scream, yell, or vent out her frustrations to the wind. This is an important stage as we are starting to see the danger of the abuse we are in.

As it turns out, when someone goes through something traumatic and life altering, they can feel like they have no control in the matter. My aunt has four types of cancer and is not getting any better. Her way of gaining control, is to decided what to do, what to eat, and who to be around. She feels like if she tells us any part of her plans, she is giving away her control and is back to being stuck. The issue with this, is that it is all a facade. In reality, she is loosing control. She is putting herself in harms way in order to feel a sense of power in her own life. The facade of control can be dangerous as it can take us for all we have. Before you try and gain your footing, make sure it is for the right reasons and that it is the best option possible.

Bargain: After anger comes the dealer’s card. The angered and hurt woman will convince herself that if she just changes a few things, everything will go back to normal. Or in the opposite case, we convince the other person to promise to change, but we all know it will only be a façade that lasts a few days.

Depression: Following the inevitable downfall of events and spiral of abuse, we fall into a pit of despair and depression. Unfortunately, many people in abusive situations stay here before they repeat the cycle again and again. There are only a select few, those with the willpower and who are ready to face reality, who will move on to the next stage.

Acceptance: Once we reach acceptance can we fully grasp the reality of what we survived and the long path we must now travel to succeed and to heal.

“Never be ashamed about being broken, because strength is nothing but pain that’s been repaired.”— Trent Shelton

“Perhaps the butterfly is proof that you can go through a great deal of darkness yet become something beautiful”— Unknown

“Even in times of trauma, we try to maintain a sense of normality until we no longer can. That, my friends, is called surviving. Not healing. We never become whole again- we are survivors. If you are here today, you are a survivor. But those of us who made it through the hell and are still standing? We bear a different name: warriors.”— Lori Goodwin